Monday, December 29, 2008

Couch Potato-ing the Day Away

I'm a lazy ass in a food coma on day # ...uuh  ...since the day after Christmas. (The Count can kiss it)

My goal of exercising on said food comatic days has been a big fat: FAIL. (pun intended. I'm clever.) I keep hoping that the thoughts will start counting (It's the thought that counts! anybody?) but, evidently (exhibit A being my ass) and much to my dismay food comas cannot be out thunk. Le sigh.

That's the goal for today: exercise. (Wish me luck. I need a double.)

Not to say that I've done nothing since Christmas. (wait-does drinking count?) Okay, I've done nothing.

Today, I did sign up for a Conversational Italian class! (Like how my subjects just flow together so seamlessly? No? I'll work on it.) (Maybe a writing class will make it's way onto the 2010 Resolutions list) I went to Italy last October and I've been dying to go back and, of course, learn the language. Step One: Learn Italian. I start January 23rd. 

Check me out, all getting things done...(baby steps)

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Death by Cold.

Who sobs because they're cold?

Answer: Me. This morning.

True Story. My shower this morning could not get hot enough to warm my skin and relieve my aching bones and shivering muscles. Is it possible to get frostbite from the inside out. Bones first, then muscle, the organs and lastly, the skin? I'm pretty sure my bones are frostbitten. Possibly frostgobbled. When the frostgobble started chomping at my lungs all hell broke loose in the form of sobs.

Seriously. Who the eff sobs because they are cold?! (Don't answer this.)

Judging by my dramatic shower scene this morning, the cold is my kryptonite. And we're not talking like below zero, snow weather. No. We are talking 65 degrees Farenheit. That's all it takes. My mom seems to think that this is a comfortable temperature to keep the house at. Wrong. Dead wrong.

I thought she was trying to kill me this morning. In fact, she almost did kill me this morning. I just wonder what would inspire her to want to torture me so badly. I put the dishes away as she asked. We even bonded over a game of Tap, Tap Revenge.

Is she being a sore loser? I Tap, Tap too well and she's after Revenge? Once she asked me what's wrong and I screamed in agony between sobs that, "It's FUCKING COOOLD!!!" she realized her Revenge had risen to an unholy level and turned on the heat. She even warmed up my car for me.

This was very nice of her. She is forgiven. It was just a game. She knows this now. I just wish my body was not still feeling her Tap, Tap Revenge.

What the hell did I do at work that was so awful that here too I'm being tortured with my kryptonite? I don't recall Tap, Tapping the Tap out of them. My floor heater is keeping me alive for now but it is losing the battle. I'm gonna need something stronger and more powerful.

Fire! I need fire!

This may be against some type of building code though. (We couldn't even get a toaster oven in the kitchen. A fire pit? Turning my cubey into an oven? I'm thinking this may not fly.)

Best case scenario: I get workers comp.

I will draw up my will in the event of Worst Case Scenario. (Just in case. They're ruthless.)

Be careful out there all you Tap, Tap Revenge Champs. The non-champs do not take non-champing lightly.

Friday, December 19, 2008

I know Politics.

I was totally gonna kick Obama’s @$$ and be the Prez because I didn’t want the White House to be painted black. (it’s true. I got the Forward.)

Painting the White House black would be a bad idea because then the Post Office would get all confused and the President wouldn't get his magazine subscriptions and then how will they know latest celebrity gossip? Exactly. Bad idea. You can't run the Country if you don't know what crazy antics Britney's up to. Or how much Nichole Richie wieghs. (Seriously, how is Nichole making it in magazines?)

But then I saw that I (as president) would have to dodge flying shoes and after playing Wii Fit Soccer where you have to do headers at the soccer balls (mind out tha gutter pleze. Thanx.) and dodge the Nike cleats and Panda Bear heads (Panda bear heads? Nikes? This may or may not be the objects you are required to dodge but this is exactly how I recall the event. Tequila may or may not have been involved.)

I failed at the headers.

I failed at dodging the shoes and Panda bear heads.

(My hula hooping, on the other hand, was GOLDEN.)

Granted, I was wearing heels, had a beer in my hand and my BAC% was: Tequila.

And as Prez when wouldn't I have a drink in my hand, be wearing heels and on a Pedastal?

The answers is: When I'm Sleeping.

On second thought.

The answer is NEVER.

(I'm the Prez. I do what I want. A portion of US taxes go to my Bar Bill and Shoes.)

But then I was kick @$$ in dodgeball as a youngster (!) but then I didn't wear heels had no relationship with Tequila. I'm thinking I'll just leave the Shoe Dodging to, well, pretty much anybody that is not me. Not me is key.

I’m not taking any chances. Foreign feet might smell real bad. I mean look at these Shoe Throwing Foreigners their hair all skraggaly-like. Hygiene does not appear to be high on their list of priorities. And niether is keeping up with the latest styles of shoes.

Or at least this is the picture I have in my head because I was getting ready for work (read: Basically sleeping and mostly on AutoPilot) and when I looked at the TV all I saw was Bush dodge to the left (or right? I was looking in the mirror-2/3rds asleep. I have no idea which way he dodged.) And I pictured the Shoe Throwers in the form of Osama Bin Laden.

Get me paintbrush, the White House is getting a Make-OVA! Obama, don't be nervous, you'll do great! I'll think about getting you Wii Fit for Christmas to help you practice. (It's the thought that counts right? Right.)

Monday, December 15, 2008

Can I get some Cheese with my Whine?

So, it's raining bedknobs & broomsticks out. (SoCal. Our standards differ.) (Clearly.) This should have been my first clue that today was going to be One Of Those Days. I didn't catch on. I went to work anyway. Big Mistake.

Trader Joe's takes checks. Just in case you didn't know.

I had to ask since I seemed to have left my card case (with all my credit/debit cards) in my jeans from the other night. I realized this when I was looking for my drivers license and Insurance information to trade with the lady that rear-ended me! With all the bedknobs & broomsticks flailing about it's difficult to see how much damage the fender bender really caused, so far I've accounted for one scratch.

A Scratch!

(I'm tearing up over here...)

With nearly half my lunchtime gone and my stomach growling (it's a beast, lemme tell ya!) all I had was my check book (and an extra ID I keep in my car at all times. For rainy days. Like today.)

My love for credit cards was taken to another level today when I realized how convenient they are. Just swipe and sign. (I have stars in my eyes. It's love. I just know it.)

Checkbooks on the other hand...

With checkbooks you have to know things. Unimportant things like the date(!) and what store you are in (brain overload) AND THEN! You have to actually write out the amount you are spending. Twice. TWICE!! It's too much. And I got a paper cut.

Really though. What'd I do?! Is this Karma? I didn't completely cross the line with the guy that's practically married. Flirting is harmless right! And he started it! And, and...uh....alcohol isn't an excuse is it? Damn. I digress.

Lesson Learned: Never. Never. Leave home without a credit card. NEVER!

The universe was looking out though. When I got to work this morning: cookies and chocolatey brownie thingy's found their way to me. (No Way could I have survived lunch had I not been in a sugar coma)

But that's not all...

My mom turned on the HEATER!!! Hallelujah!! I did not need frostbite to top this day off.

Friday, December 12, 2008


Have you ever tried to open a regular door with your Car's Keyless entry instead of a key?


Heh.Heh. Me neither.

Just checking.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Wait-Is this BAD news? You're sure?

The company is cutting back. In a meeting yesterday we were informed that wages will be cut and yada-yada there will be cutbacks (just short of bringing your own TP to work).

WAIT! Hold the phones! WAGE CUTBACKS?! GTFO. The room is closing in on me.

Lucy! You got som splaining to do!!!

The company will be closing down for the holidays (From noon on Christmas Eve to the 5th of January) we will only be getting paid for the 2 holidays and can use our PTO time if we choose to do so.

Bad news? Sure my paycheck will not see 44 hours of pay. But it's all sunshine, sleeping in and silverlining from my starry eyed perspective. VACATION!!!! Yes. Pleze. Totally worth it.

He continues...workshare program. This is where our work week is cut to 32 hours a week. That's one day off everyweek. 3. DAY. WEEKEND!!! Woot! Woot!! Hello Peepole, this should have been done long ago! Really though. 5 days of work and 2 measley days off. Who's the stupid who came up with that Bad Idea? In yo face sucka! 4 days now. 3 days to play!

But that's not all. On that one day of the week that we are off. We get to collect unemployment. Sure, 8 hours of unemployment is less than 8 hours of work. But TOTALLY worth it! Did I mention that we'll be getting 3 days off a week? Just checking.

So after that terrible news I was smiling and skipping back to my desk from the meeting while the rest of my coworkers carried confused faces. I'm the math genius of the bunch. Clearly.

3 days off 32 and then a little hours of pay > 40 hours of cubey time.

No contest.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Robin Hood? You out there? Come hither!!!

Be careful folks there are crooks amongst us. While reviewing my credit card statement (online-save a tree! Or a 1/100,000th of one tree...either way) I stumbled across 2 AT&T long distance phone calls that tallied to the amount of about 99 songs from iTunes. WTF?! This is highway robbery, if I ever saw highway robbery! I checked out previous statements for the same blasphemy and lo and behold 117 more potential iTunes songs. Those thieving Sons of Beaches. A grand total of $216.

This does not make me happy.

I called AmEx and called FRAUD ALERT on those Muthas so now I had to cut my credit card up *tear* and was issued a new one (whew!!). Luckily, they are going to overnight it.

I don't know how AmEx works as far as the Fraud thing goes but hopefully I'm not at a total loss of my $216.

I'm now signed up for Fraud Prevention (or something) for $29 a year.

A crook, crook here. A thieve, thieve there.

Here a crook.

There a thief.

And here I am a-broke! BROKE!

(Okay, I'm not broke but still....all the time on HOLD that I've spent....where's my samurai sword?! I have vermon to kill!)

Sunday, December 7, 2008

I'm Making A List...

Facts and truths.

(as I know them.)

  • When you don't want to eat your vegetables hiding them in your pocket is a bad idea if they are not dry. (true story)
  • Chopsticks are awesome.
  • I think I'm addicted to Pumpkin Pie. Seriously. Breakfast: Pumpkin Pie. Lunch: Pumpkin Pie. Dinner: Veggies because I'm full from snacking on Pumpkin Pie.
  • I like lists.
  • 4 years of working in an office is killing my ability to sleep in. (It's Sunday and it's 9:30am right now. There is something terribly wrong about that.)
  • Christmas lights are the best thing. But they should do they're little blinkity blinks coordinated-like. When one side of your house is blinking crazy, speed freak fast and the other side is all lazy eye. That's not cool. If you do this: You're Fired.
  • Being witness to somebody's first taste of Wasabi is golden. Really though, why do they give out such a huge lump? It's so deceiving. And it looks like balled up Avocado. And they use Avocado in the rolls a lot. I think those Sushi Guys like to see people make a Wasabi mishap. Tricky fellas. Japanese are cool.
  • I want to be a Samurai Warrior. (I watched Kill Bill. Kill Bill inspires me.)
  • Cheating is still passing. (the lights on my 3-foot high fiber optic tree are coordinated)

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Santa Baby, Hurry down the Chimney Tonight!

Anybody who works in an office knows that kitchen cleanliness is always an issue.

There is always somebody who leaves their food in the fridge turning it into a science project, dirty coffee mugs left unwashed in the sink, coffee, creamer, crumbs & stuff on the counters. Explosions happening in the microwave leaving food all over the office is no exception.

My soup exploded in the microwave today; on all 6 surfaces.

When other office employees see a mess they get all irritated and say something like, "Is this the way they are at home? Just leaving thier mess for somebody else to clean up after!"

Why, yes. Yes, it is.

As I was wiping it up the thought struck me that if I were at home I would not be doing this. (Yeah, that's right. Would NOT be cleaning it up) We have a housekeeper that comes, so on the rare occasion that something should explode or overflow in the microwave, I leave it. I'm a brat like that but she gets paid so everybody's happy (as far as I'm concerned).

Irma, I thank you for cleaning up all my microwave mishaps and making my house all sparkly and clean. I had to do it myself today. I did not enjoy. You're a champ. You deserve a raise (see: Mom).

Hopefully, Obama (and his team of highly paid professionals) can turn this economy so I can get a (BIG FAT) raise, a bonus, an office Christmas Party and an Irma at work.


I've been pretty good this year. There's the list. Do your thing.

P.S. Please refrain from keeping "big fat" on my body.

P.P.S. Or if you just wanna get me a winning Lottery ticket, that would do too.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Vacation. Vacation. How I love thee so much!

My 6 days off were awesome.

Our flight was at 6:30am on Wednesday so Tuesday night I (grudgingly) had to pack.


Hate. Packing.

I tried to make the best of it so I put Michael on blast and dance partied it up! My mom and I were dancing it up and boogie-ing down! We had a blast! The packing, however…the packing did not get completely done. I was scrambling in the morning throwing ev-er-ey-thang in my suitcase that I could think of. (I did okay.)

Ontario Airport – dead.

An hour and a half layover at Houston Airport – dead.

Waiting in the Fort Meyers (FL) airport Chili’s for an hour – dead.

Biggest travel day of the year?

I’m thinking: no.

The media was mistaken.

Yesterday it was pretty busy though.

We had a Southern Thanksgiving at my mom’s boyfriends friends [vacation] home a few streets over.


Southern accents. Souther food, complete with Greens, Fried Turkey (that’s right. That whole mutha effer was fried) and some homemade PeeCAN Pii. They were really nice “folks”. It was totally different from the usual T-day but it was way cool. And everything I tried (anything sans meat--I heard the Fried Turkey was mighty tastey though and I didn't try the pie--too full) was really good. (Fattening though. My ass did not appreciate this.)

We fished like everyday. I caught a Referee fish (read: Sheepshead but wtf, man! It was striped (last I checked sheep were fluffy not stripey, those fish namers are way animal planet challenged...and apparently there’s already a zebra fish so I called it a Referee fish) and a blowfish and a Blue Crab. Almost. The crab let go as soon as we (read: not me) was about to grab it. I saw it though, it was so freaking awesome and cool looking. I was stoked.

Fishing is fun. (And it goes hand in hand with drinking. Need I say more!) We fished in the harbor and it was totally Animal Planet live! We saw all kinds of fish (that we caught-they’re kinda shy), bunches of sting rays, different types of birds galore! It was beautiful and the weather was great. The last day it did rain and storm but it was cool since we don't get that much here in SoCal. And we saw a double rainbow. You can't beat that.