Twilight: Don't Do It.

I get it now. It hasnt even been 24 hours, I'm on chapter 5 of Twilight and I have suspicians that this book is made entirely out of crack coccaine that is absorbed through the eyes and the brain and your fingers and becomes increasingly strongr with each word. In fact I'm pretty sure if I licked the pages...well it's not my book and I DO have a smidge of self control left in me (somewhere).

I'm dying here at work not being able to read on and find out what happens a next! I'm tempted to buy the damn book on Stanza so that I can read it on my phone under the guise of texting or whatver it is my boss thinks I'm doing on my Magical iPhone.

Also I think I'm in love. His name is iPhone and he's perfect and he rocks my world. It may be a tie between iPhone and Edward Cullen.

iPhone made of crack too? I'm thinking yes. Hell yes.

I'm in serious need of a Geeksorcism. Heaven help me.

S.

Sent from my iPhone.

Maintaining Sanity at the Workplace.

I got "randomly picked" to do receptionist duties at the end of the day today. I suddenly feel inadequate for the job. I do not wear red lipstick. My credit cards are not maxed out. Maybe I can make up for that by chewing gum loudly, twirling my hair and gossiping on the phone. (And it took me 3 tries to spell "maxed", oddly, there is no "k" or "c". I think I'm getting the [stereotypical] receptionist bug) And I'd have to make up the gossip since I'm listening to:

Biggie, Biggie can't you see sometimes your words just Hypnotize me....

What? I saw the movie last week. I can't help it. (BTW: Good movie.)

Movies inspire me. Kill Bill - Samurai Warrior. Marley & Me - I want a dog. Notorious - a Rapper. Gran Torino - for a week I aspired to be an old, grumpy, racist and super tough white guy. Madagascar....well, you get it. I digress.

So....Biggie is hypnotizing me, not the office gossip. (A girls gotta protect her sanity.) (Thank you iPhone and all your fantasmal apps) Well, not so much gossip as the idiotic/ridiculous conversations that happen. (Although, they are pretty amusing at times, I typically drown them out with music.)

Like any office we have some characters up in here.

Like the 24 year old who acts like he's 9 and goes around the office telling us about his DRAMATIC girlfriend seeking advice (that he never follows). The hyper (donut & cookie loving) Philipino man (I only say that cuz he has an accent) everyweek it seems he has a new thing (photography, a car, computer, biking....).

The dude obsessed with WhereWolves. No joke. Obsessed. 14 years (and counting) of dressing up as a wherewolve and haunting at Knott's Scary Farm, he uses ALL of his vacation time for this particular event. (To work for min. wage, no less.) He legally made his middle name Wolf. His Cubie-wherewolves everywhere. RingTone-Howling. Wherewolf T-shirt EVERYday (even if it's under a button up shirt). Obsessed.

Characters.

You can imagine the off the wall conversations that take place here at the workplace. But no juice. (You can only listen to biking stories and girlfriend drama for so long. That's bicycle BTW.)No interoffice romances, behind the scenes sexscapades or anything of that nature going on. No bickering/catfights like I hear about going on in other offices. This ain't no hen house. (Thank Gawd!) Just bullshit. Idiots here. Ridiculousness there. Drink, sleep, repeat.

Hi my name is S. and I'm addicted to GoldFish. But who isn't?

I love goldfish.

(*crunch-crunch*)

(And cheez-its.)

(*crunch*)

(And anything else crunchy and cheesey.)

(*crunch-crunch-crunch*)

I'm addicted. Once a box is opened and one tiny little cheesey fish touches my tongue I'M HOOKED. (*crunch-crunch*)My mind is then drowned in thoughts of crunchy, cheesey delisciousness. (*crunch-crunch-crunch*)I cannot be stopped. (*crunch.*)I'm unstoppable. (*crunch-crunch*)I'm like Hungry, Hungry Hippo. (*crunch-crunch-crunch-crunch*)Only I'm not hungry (*crunch*)nor am I a hippo (*crunch*), I'm just addicted to the fish. (*crunch-crunch*) Crunching & chomping away on the deliteful little orange fishies like a fiend. (*crunch-crunch-crunch*)

They're really should be a patch or something. (*crunch-crunch*)

Unemployment: Do It Right!

As far as I know, we are in a recession and gads of people are losing their jobs. In fact, I know quite a few people who have already lost their job and from what I hear there are more to come. (Make me proud, Obama, turn it around. My 401k is supposed to grow. GROW-as in get Bigger!)

So, riddle me this Batman.

Why is there so much traffic?

(Like how that has to do with Obama and 401k? Me too.)

Going to work: Traffic.

Lunchtime: Traffic.

After work: Traffic.

Traffic. Traffic. Traffic.

Where are these people going? (Hint: Not to work.) Why are they driving on the freeway at the same time as me? They have no right! They are rightless!

Me. Employed. I have the right to drive during peak hours. (The Right!)

(Except on Mondays.)

Stores don’t even open until 9, so where are you going, anyway? In fact, you probably shouldn’t be shopping either. Unemployment only pays a maximum of 90 bucks a day (in California). Just go to Costco and stock up on Top Ramen (and booze). Stop making me all road ragey, you traffic inducers, you!

Get off the freeway! Get on the internet. Start submitting your resume on Monster or CareerBuilder so you can complain with me. Be on my team!

(Or send me funny e-mails, clearly you junk e-mailers are the laid off ones; as Forwards filling up my inbox to the point of annoyment has become a thing of the past.)

(Funny is key. I don't want to pray or cry at work, I do enough of that due to the fact that I'm here at work-nothing more, nothing less. Work is over-rated. But then there are paychecks and it all comes full circle. Point: Gimme a laugh. A good Hardey Har-Har.)

Whatever you do, don't get on the freeway.

Driving wastes gas.

Gas cost money.

Money grows on trees.

No wait, that's not right.

(I did have a dream though. I was a farmer. It was nice.)

So Money...oh, forget it.

If you are not employed, there is absolutely no reason (What. So. Ev-ar!) for you to be on the freeway. Your days should be like this: from 7am to 8am you should be sleeping. From 12pm to 1pm you should be in your PJ's watching daytime TV. By 5pm you should be drunk because this is how you cope with not having a job and daytime TV sucks. Shower. Sleep. Repeat.

(Drinking helps to cope with working too.) (Go figure.)

(Hey, I don't make the rules; I just--oh. I DO make the rules...but I can. I have a blog.)

Back to daydreaming...

\end rant.

Death by Cold.

Who sobs because they're cold?

Answer: Me. This morning.

True Story. My shower this morning could not get hot enough to warm my skin and relieve my aching bones and shivering muscles. Is it possible to get frostbite from the inside out. Bones first, then muscle, the organs and lastly, the skin? I'm pretty sure my bones are frostbitten. Possibly frostgobbled. When the frostgobble started chomping at my lungs all hell broke loose in the form of sobs.

Seriously. Who the eff sobs because they are cold?! (Don't answer this.)

Judging by my dramatic shower scene this morning, the cold is my kryptonite. And we're not talking like below zero, snow weather. No. We are talking 65 degrees Farenheit. That's all it takes. My mom seems to think that this is a comfortable temperature to keep the house at. Wrong. Dead wrong.

I thought she was trying to kill me this morning. In fact, she almost did kill me this morning. I just wonder what would inspire her to want to torture me so badly. I put the dishes away as she asked. We even bonded over a game of Tap, Tap Revenge.

Is she being a sore loser? I Tap, Tap too well and she's after Revenge? Once she asked me what's wrong and I screamed in agony between sobs that, "It's FUCKING COOOLD!!!" she realized her Revenge had risen to an unholy level and turned on the heat. She even warmed up my car for me.

This was very nice of her. She is forgiven. It was just a game. She knows this now. I just wish my body was not still feeling her Tap, Tap Revenge.

What the hell did I do at work that was so awful that here too I'm being tortured with my kryptonite? I don't recall Tap, Tapping the Tap out of them. My floor heater is keeping me alive for now but it is losing the battle. I'm gonna need something stronger and more powerful.

Fire! I need fire!

This may be against some type of building code though. (We couldn't even get a toaster oven in the kitchen. A fire pit? Turning my cubey into an oven? I'm thinking this may not fly.)

Best case scenario: I get workers comp.

I will draw up my will in the event of Worst Case Scenario. (Just in case. They're ruthless.)

Be careful out there all you Tap, Tap Revenge Champs. The non-champs do not take non-champing lightly.

I know Politics.

I was totally gonna kick Obama’s @$$ and be the Prez because I didn’t want the White House to be painted black. (it’s true. I got the Forward.)

Painting the White House black would be a bad idea because then the Post Office would get all confused and the President wouldn't get his magazine subscriptions and then how will they know latest celebrity gossip? Exactly. Bad idea. You can't run the Country if you don't know what crazy antics Britney's up to. Or how much Nichole Richie wieghs. (Seriously, how is Nichole making it in magazines?)

But then I saw that I (as president) would have to dodge flying shoes and after playing Wii Fit Soccer where you have to do headers at the soccer balls (mind out tha gutter pleze. Thanx.) and dodge the Nike cleats and Panda Bear heads (Panda bear heads? Nikes? This may or may not be the objects you are required to dodge but this is exactly how I recall the event. Tequila may or may not have been involved.)

I failed at the headers.

I failed at dodging the shoes and Panda bear heads.

(My hula hooping, on the other hand, was GOLDEN.)

Granted, I was wearing heels, had a beer in my hand and my BAC% was: Tequila.

And as Prez when wouldn't I have a drink in my hand, be wearing heels and on a Pedastal?

The answers is: When I'm Sleeping.

On second thought.

The answer is NEVER.

(I'm the Prez. I do what I want. A portion of US taxes go to my Bar Bill and Shoes.)

But then I was kick @$$ in dodgeball as a youngster (!) but then I didn't wear heels had no relationship with Tequila. I'm thinking I'll just leave the Shoe Dodging to, well, pretty much anybody that is not me. Not me is key.

I’m not taking any chances. Foreign feet might smell real bad. I mean look at these Shoe Throwing Foreigners their hair all skraggaly-like. Hygiene does not appear to be high on their list of priorities. And niether is keeping up with the latest styles of shoes.

Or at least this is the picture I have in my head because I was getting ready for work (read: Basically sleeping and mostly on AutoPilot) and when I looked at the TV all I saw was Bush dodge to the left (or right? I was looking in the mirror-2/3rds asleep. I have no idea which way he dodged.) And I pictured the Shoe Throwers in the form of Osama Bin Laden.

Get me paintbrush, the White House is getting a Make-OVA! Obama, don't be nervous, you'll do great! I'll think about getting you Wii Fit for Christmas to help you practice. (It's the thought that counts right? Right.)

OPEN! SESAMEEEEE!!!!

Have you ever tried to open a regular door with your Car's Keyless entry instead of a key?

No?

Heh.Heh. Me neither.

Just checking.

I'm Making A List...

Facts and truths.

(as I know them.)

• When you don't want to eat your vegetables hiding them in your pocket is a bad idea if they are not dry. (true story)
• Chopsticks are awesome.
• I think I'm addicted to Pumpkin Pie. Seriously. Breakfast: Pumpkin Pie. Lunch: Pumpkin Pie. Dinner: Veggies because I'm full from snacking on Pumpkin Pie.
• I like lists.
• 4 years of working in an office is killing my ability to sleep in. (It's Sunday and it's 9:30am right now. There is something terribly wrong about that.)
• Christmas lights are the best thing. But they should do they're little blinkity blinks coordinated-like. When one side of your house is blinking crazy, speed freak fast and the other side is all lazy eye. That's not cool. If you do this: You're Fired.
• Being witness to somebody's first taste of Wasabi is golden. Really though, why do they give out such a huge lump? It's so deceiving. And it looks like balled up Avocado. And they use Avocado in the rolls a lot. I think those Sushi Guys like to see people make a Wasabi mishap. Tricky fellas. Japanese are cool.
• I want to be a Samurai Warrior. (I watched Kill Bill. Kill Bill inspires me.)
• Cheating is still passing. (the lights on my 3-foot high fiber optic tree are coordinated)

Flying Through Airports

Who said today was the busiest travel day of the year? LIES. ALL LIES!

S.

Sent from my [naked] iPhone

This is me in the eyes of a 6 year old

I am pink. I wear a dress even when I don't. I wear my hands on my biceps (yes, these are my hands and not my biceps-I checked). I wear ucomfortable footwear. My mascara tends to clump on the left side. I am tall (I can tell because I am looking down). Vertical stripes are slimming.

When Inspiration Hits...Just Go With It.

So I'm sitting here working (work shmirk. reading blogs and texting), listening to my iPhone on iPod mode and then I hear this:

They told 'em don't you ever come around. hee-Ya!

Don't wanna see yo face you betta disapee-Ya!

That's right folks! Michael. Jackson. I immediately jump out of my chair onto my desk kick my leg out and grab my crotch, did some pelvic thrusts and starting singing at the of my lungs!

Doing the moonwalk atop the cubicle walls, snapping my fingers!

Like a champ!

Who's a Champ?

I'm a champ.

Everywhere A-Champ.Champ.

Okay, I didn't. But I wanted to.

(for the record: I'm still a Champ.) (What? Denial?! Where???)

It was like this surge of energy rushing through my body with the beat of BEAT IT!

Am I the only one who feels this when I hear some old school Michael? I'm thinking no. (lie to me-my blog, my rules).

Thermostat Set at FrostBite

Jeez, it's just one of those days. You know, when you hit snooze 13 hundred and 3 times and try and cut out as many things out of your morning routine as possible (while still being just burley presentable...) just for 60 seconds more or so of sleep. So that was me this morning.

My eyes are still trying to adjust to...well, being open. All signs point right back to cuddling up in bed. What? They don't? I'M NOT LISTENING! I'M NOT LISTENING! LALALA, LA, LA, LA.... You get my drift? How the heck do people pull themselves out of this little funk of a (sun is shining) gloom of a day? Whatev. It's almost 5 o'clock. Or 10am...but sometimes lying to myself just seems the better option. Is it too late to play hookey from work? Yes? Okay, fine but I won't sit here with a smile on my face! And I WILL just sit here! I'm a rebel. I'm living on the edge. Or not. But, hell whatever passes the time...

It doesn't help that it is freezing balls in the office! I don't even have any balls and they are frozen, frostbitten and hatin' it-that's saying something. I don't know what. But something. For sure. They are trying to frostbite my hoodie 'n chucks wearing ass (told ya, I'm a rebel--business casual Wha!) right out of the office and back to bed (yet another sign pointing back to bed). I'm convinced. I even have a heater under my desk. I made myself some hot tea. And I'm still cold. Brrrrrr....

I just finished "Triumph over the frostbite" attempt numero tres (that'd be "number 3" for the "green-goes"). Attempt number 1: Floor heater (it's still on...hey, I don't pay the electic bill...they obviously don't mind if they have the A/C on the "Frostbite" [read: 73 degrees] when there is clearly NO NEED! 78 is just fine. Thankya.). Attempt #2: Hot tea. (to no avail) and finally Attempt Numero Tres: Soup. It's Fabulousity. The little Progresso (light(! Of course) never will the attempt be: weight gain for more insulation) anyway, those Progesso cup thingy's that are microwavable are freaking awesome! The (office provided) bowls are not big enough for the whole can and I hate doing dishes so the ones in the cupboard are clearly, not an option. So the little microwavable thingy is PERFECTO MUNDO! And Attempt Numero Tres coupled with Attempt number 1 is totally working! Warmth. Golden.

What I don't get though is that the Nutrition info says that one serving is 60 calories and "about 2 servings" and THEN it says that the entire package is about 100 calories...math geniuses (such as myself) they ARE NOT. And we trust these people to count our calories?! Oh well. It was good and it worked. And I put Tapatio in it, so it's EVEN BETTER! Love the spicy. Tapatio and Soy Sauce are my ketchup and mustard. They rock. Salty Spicey goodness. Mmmmm...I'm warm now. Inside out.

Take that A/C! HAH! I win.

S.= 2 (cuz I'm warm and it's on thier dime)
The Frostbiters = 0.25 (cuz I hate being cold)
That's right! I'm beating the system one frostbitten finger at a time....

Weekend Rundown (in no particular order)

Breakfast of champions: Doritos and a waffle with peanut butter. This is what happens when 2 momma's girls are left to fend for themselves... clearly, we took it like champs.

My iPhone case took it in the keester! <-- it just came out, I dunno. But yeah, I dropped my phone and my dark red, rhinestone adorned case is no more. *tear*

Who has a pretty little chandelier and matching lamp in their room?! It's me! It's me! FABULOUS!!!

Dude, America = the country that survives on all that is plastic, no? As in plastic cards. Swipe it, sign and VOILA(!) you just got got something new that you may or may not afford! I go to the swapmeet and swipe, I'm pretty sure the paleta man (Mexican dude with cart full of ice cream) take Visa or Mastercard. They giggled and called me cute in a dive bar in Visalia, CA (read: podunk town)for trying to pay for drinks with a card (cash is a thing of the past to me, like horse carriages and the idea that world is flat). The expression on my face once denied may or may not have contributed their amusement at the LA Girl (even though I live an hour away from there...inland, no less). RIDICULOUS.

Wii Fit is a freaking BLAST!! (Martini's, Patron shots and beers may or definately may have been involved. Don't judge. My Wii Hula Hooping is golden.)

My throat cannot handle 3 and a half hours of singing (off-key. That's how I do.) but, by golly I will still try! Twice. I just can't drive otherwise. Can't.

Sleeping in the bed of a married couple (whilst they sleep in the living room), I just couldn't bring myself to do it, it just seems...wierd. Just me? My cousin calls me crazy, I disagree. I just can't seem to think of an instance where I'd be comfortable with sleeping arrangements such as this. We ended up falling asleep watching a movie- slumber party styley.

It is November thus it is Fall. FALL! Yo, Sun! This is not your time to shine. Chillax sucka! I'd like to wear cute coats and scarves and hats and look forward for your return in the Spring! Kay?thanx.buh-bye.

I parallel park like a champ! (when drinking)

S.

Sent from my [naked] iPhone

P.S. To podunk town or not to podunk town--never the question. It's all about the company you keep!

Mmmm...A Delish Dish

The latest and greatest in food (new to me anyway) is butternut squash! 2 words: Yum. Meeee. Love it. Taste just like potatoes but less calories. I hear it's a pain in the daryaire (or however you spell that-symbollic of how hard the task is? Um. Sure.) to clean and peel and chop and stuff and let's face it I'm no Iron Chef plus I'm super duper lazy(!) so I bought it frozen (frozen veggies are definately the way to go). Put it in a pan and cook then add some eggbeater (and Montreal steak seasoning and cayenne pepper) and VWALA!! Tre magnifique! *italian finger kiss* You got yourself some scrambled eggs and potatoes for like way less than half the calories!

Delicious and nutritious! I should totally make my own recipe book. A Lazy-ass's Guide to Delicious and Nutritious! Well, the name needs work but that's small potatoes-the seed has been planted. I've proved my genius yet again. (just go with it, I'm a dreamer) and Hungry Girl already beat me to it. Whatev.

Realization.

S.

Sent from my iPhone

New Slogan?

Tooting my own horn. Cuz if I don't, who will? Shall no horn go untooted! BEEP! BEEP! ;-)

S.

Sent from my iPhone