What Happened?

Today is day 4 of no credit/debit cards.

I am a survivor.

Okay, I am surviving off an AmEx gift card that I got for Christmas. Ya, I know, unbelievable right? Nobody, nobody still has gift cards left over from Christmas and especially not one that can be used practically everywhere*. But I do (an exception to the rule? Maybe.) and without it I would be broke out on the streets with a piece of cardboard and an old tin coffee cup that I took from a sleeping Vietnam war vet (or whatever their called) next to the freeway begging for extra change.

Or not. But it’s been tough without my cards. (They’re like my grown-up blanky.)

But I guess you reap what you sowe. (Or something.)

Everybody has their drinks of choice. Mine (lately) are champagne, wine or Margaritas (I love me some Tequila). But Saturday night, already irritated with the meanness of my friend sober was not what I wanted to be, I was getting down to biznaz which (to me) is AMF. Also known as an “Adios Mother F***er” or simply “Adios”, it’s blue, it’s yummy, warms the tummy and well, it’s all in a name, right? Right.

Three (heavy handed) AMF’s later, a shot of Kamikazi, a sudden (turn for the worst)head/stomach change and a flash of realization that I had not eaten dinner and Houston, we have a problem! Immediately started flashing through my mind in big, bright, Vegas-style letters. (Not helping.)

Ugliness ensues…

So anyway, I have a kick ass card case with 4 cards in it: Driver Liscense, Debit Card, Visa, AmEx. In other words, this card case is My World. (Or Grown-Up Blankey. Either way.) Gone. Missing. Shit. Shit. Shit!

Why is it that the most beautiful Sundays gets no love from me because some kind of twisted law of being in your 20’s that I must be hung over in the event of a pretty [Sun]day?

Or does the day just seem pretty in contrast to my mental (read: want to hibernate in a dark cave with my blankey- the non-plastic, non-grown-up, warm, soft and cuddly one.) state?

Either way. This law must be banned. (BANNED!!)

I called my friend. Nothing. I checked all my cards and cancelled them. I freaked out when I heard the balance on my AmEx card. What? Almost $300 I’m only a week into my billing period! Oh. Yeah. All me. (Damn.)

My friends ended up finding my lost goods. (Actually, I’m still missing my Cherry Chapstick but I’m a survivor. I will prevail. AmEx to the rescue!)

Lessons of a Shit-Faced Saturday night:

- Eat before drinking.

- 3 AMF’s is too much for me no matter how much I’ve eaten. Don’t do it.

- Mission: Get Wasted is equivalent to Mission: Fail (oh the irony…). Don’t do it.

- Bitchy friends leads to 3 AMF’s and a Kamikazi which leads to Bad News Bears. Don’t do it.

*I use this term loosely. To my dismay AmEx is not accepted everywhere. Which is a damn shame cuz the card is just so pretty and I get reward points and who doesn't love rewards? (And if you don't love rewards than you are clearly an Alien and I have 29,384,382,028+++ questions for you.)

Unemployment: Do It Right!

As far as I know, we are in a recession and gads of people are losing their jobs. In fact, I know quite a few people who have already lost their job and from what I hear there are more to come. (Make me proud, Obama, turn it around. My 401k is supposed to grow. GROW-as in get Bigger!)

So, riddle me this Batman.

Why is there so much traffic?

(Like how that has to do with Obama and 401k? Me too.)

Going to work: Traffic.

Lunchtime: Traffic.

After work: Traffic.

Traffic. Traffic. Traffic.

Where are these people going? (Hint: Not to work.) Why are they driving on the freeway at the same time as me? They have no right! They are rightless!

Me. Employed. I have the right to drive during peak hours. (The Right!)

(Except on Mondays.)

Stores don’t even open until 9, so where are you going, anyway? In fact, you probably shouldn’t be shopping either. Unemployment only pays a maximum of 90 bucks a day (in California). Just go to Costco and stock up on Top Ramen (and booze). Stop making me all road ragey, you traffic inducers, you!

Get off the freeway! Get on the internet. Start submitting your resume on Monster or CareerBuilder so you can complain with me. Be on my team!

(Or send me funny e-mails, clearly you junk e-mailers are the laid off ones; as Forwards filling up my inbox to the point of annoyment has become a thing of the past.)

(Funny is key. I don't want to pray or cry at work, I do enough of that due to the fact that I'm here at work-nothing more, nothing less. Work is over-rated. But then there are paychecks and it all comes full circle. Point: Gimme a laugh. A good Hardey Har-Har.)

Whatever you do, don't get on the freeway.

Driving wastes gas.

Gas cost money.

Money grows on trees.

No wait, that's not right.

(I did have a dream though. I was a farmer. It was nice.)

So Money...oh, forget it.

If you are not employed, there is absolutely no reason (What. So. Ev-ar!) for you to be on the freeway. Your days should be like this: from 7am to 8am you should be sleeping. From 12pm to 1pm you should be in your PJ's watching daytime TV. By 5pm you should be drunk because this is how you cope with not having a job and daytime TV sucks. Shower. Sleep. Repeat.

(Drinking helps to cope with working too.) (Go figure.)

(Hey, I don't make the rules; I just--oh. I DO make the rules...but I can. I have a blog.)

Back to daydreaming...

\end rant.

Beds Got a Hold On Me Now

MISSION: Sleep In My Own Bed, last night seemed an Impossible feat last night and now it is 6 in the morning and time to get up for work and I able to sleep now. Probably until a good and healthy 10 o'clock. ('good and healthy' only because I would be getting more than 4 hours sleep)

I don't wanna go to work. (wah!)

The snooze at this point is even scary, I'm pretty sure if I close my eyes again I will sleep through EVERYTHING, a marching band can march their marchety marching asses through my room and I would sleep like a baby, all snug as a bug in a rug.

*le sigh*

Okay, 'nuff o the stalling. Paychecks.

There is money that needs to be made and bills to be paid.

S.

Sent from my [naked] iPhone

Death by Cold.

Who sobs because they're cold?

Answer: Me. This morning.

True Story. My shower this morning could not get hot enough to warm my skin and relieve my aching bones and shivering muscles. Is it possible to get frostbite from the inside out. Bones first, then muscle, the organs and lastly, the skin? I'm pretty sure my bones are frostbitten. Possibly frostgobbled. When the frostgobble started chomping at my lungs all hell broke loose in the form of sobs.

Seriously. Who the eff sobs because they are cold?! (Don't answer this.)

Judging by my dramatic shower scene this morning, the cold is my kryptonite. And we're not talking like below zero, snow weather. No. We are talking 65 degrees Farenheit. That's all it takes. My mom seems to think that this is a comfortable temperature to keep the house at. Wrong. Dead wrong.

I thought she was trying to kill me this morning. In fact, she almost did kill me this morning. I just wonder what would inspire her to want to torture me so badly. I put the dishes away as she asked. We even bonded over a game of Tap, Tap Revenge.

Is she being a sore loser? I Tap, Tap too well and she's after Revenge? Once she asked me what's wrong and I screamed in agony between sobs that, "It's FUCKING COOOLD!!!" she realized her Revenge had risen to an unholy level and turned on the heat. She even warmed up my car for me.

This was very nice of her. She is forgiven. It was just a game. She knows this now. I just wish my body was not still feeling her Tap, Tap Revenge.

What the hell did I do at work that was so awful that here too I'm being tortured with my kryptonite? I don't recall Tap, Tapping the Tap out of them. My floor heater is keeping me alive for now but it is losing the battle. I'm gonna need something stronger and more powerful.

Fire! I need fire!

This may be against some type of building code though. (We couldn't even get a toaster oven in the kitchen. A fire pit? Turning my cubey into an oven? I'm thinking this may not fly.)

Best case scenario: I get workers comp.

I will draw up my will in the event of Worst Case Scenario. (Just in case. They're ruthless.)

Be careful out there all you Tap, Tap Revenge Champs. The non-champs do not take non-champing lightly.

Can I get some Cheese with my Whine?

So, it's raining bedknobs & broomsticks out. (SoCal. Our standards differ.) (Clearly.) This should have been my first clue that today was going to be One Of Those Days. I didn't catch on. I went to work anyway. Big Mistake.

Trader Joe's takes checks. Just in case you didn't know.

I had to ask since I seemed to have left my card case (with all my credit/debit cards) in my jeans from the other night. I realized this when I was looking for my drivers license and Insurance information to trade with the lady that rear-ended me! With all the bedknobs & broomsticks flailing about it's difficult to see how much damage the fender bender really caused, so far I've accounted for one scratch.

A Scratch!

(I'm tearing up over here...)

With nearly half my lunchtime gone and my stomach growling (it's a beast, lemme tell ya!) all I had was my check book (and an extra ID I keep in my car at all times. For rainy days. Like today.)

My love for credit cards was taken to another level today when I realized how convenient they are. Just swipe and sign. (I have stars in my eyes. It's love. I just know it.)

Checkbooks on the other hand...

With checkbooks you have to know things. Unimportant things like the date(!) and what store you are in (brain overload) AND THEN! You have to actually write out the amount you are spending. Twice. TWICE!! It's too much. And I got a paper cut.

Really though. What'd I do?! Is this Karma? I didn't completely cross the line with the guy that's practically married. Flirting is harmless right! And he started it! And, and...uh....alcohol isn't an excuse is it? Damn. I digress.

Lesson Learned: Never. Never. Leave home without a credit card. NEVER!

The universe was looking out though. When I got to work this morning: cookies and chocolatey brownie thingy's found their way to me. (No Way could I have survived lunch had I not been in a sugar coma)

But that's not all...

My mom turned on the HEATER!!! Hallelujah!! I did not need frostbite to top this day off.

Robin Hood? You out there? Come hither!!!

Be careful folks there are crooks amongst us. While reviewing my credit card statement (online-save a tree! Or a 1/100,000th of one tree...either way) I stumbled across 2 AT&T long distance phone calls that tallied to the amount of about 99 songs from iTunes. WTF?! This is highway robbery, if I ever saw highway robbery! I checked out previous statements for the same blasphemy and lo and behold 117 more potential iTunes songs. Those thieving Sons of Beaches. A grand total of $216.

This does not make me happy.

I called AmEx and called FRAUD ALERT on those Muthas so now I had to cut my credit card up *tear* and was issued a new one (whew!!). Luckily, they are going to overnight it.

I don't know how AmEx works as far as the Fraud thing goes but hopefully I'm not at a total loss of my $216.

I'm now signed up for Fraud Prevention (or something) for $29 a year.

A crook, crook here. A thieve, thieve there.

Here a crook.

There a thief.

And here I am a-broke! BROKE!

(Okay, I'm not broke but still....all the time on HOLD that I've spent....where's my samurai sword?! I have vermon to kill!)

I'm Making A List...

Facts and truths.

(as I know them.)

• When you don't want to eat your vegetables hiding them in your pocket is a bad idea if they are not dry. (true story)
• Chopsticks are awesome.
• I think I'm addicted to Pumpkin Pie. Seriously. Breakfast: Pumpkin Pie. Lunch: Pumpkin Pie. Dinner: Veggies because I'm full from snacking on Pumpkin Pie.
• I like lists.
• 4 years of working in an office is killing my ability to sleep in. (It's Sunday and it's 9:30am right now. There is something terribly wrong about that.)
• Christmas lights are the best thing. But they should do they're little blinkity blinks coordinated-like. When one side of your house is blinking crazy, speed freak fast and the other side is all lazy eye. That's not cool. If you do this: You're Fired.
• Being witness to somebody's first taste of Wasabi is golden. Really though, why do they give out such a huge lump? It's so deceiving. And it looks like balled up Avocado. And they use Avocado in the rolls a lot. I think those Sushi Guys like to see people make a Wasabi mishap. Tricky fellas. Japanese are cool.
• I want to be a Samurai Warrior. (I watched Kill Bill. Kill Bill inspires me.)
• Cheating is still passing. (the lights on my 3-foot high fiber optic tree are coordinated)

Santa Baby, Hurry down the Chimney Tonight!

Anybody who works in an office knows that kitchen cleanliness is always an issue.

There is always somebody who leaves their food in the fridge turning it into a science project, dirty coffee mugs left unwashed in the sink, coffee, creamer, crumbs & stuff on the counters. Explosions happening in the microwave leaving food all over the place....my office is no exception.

My soup exploded in the microwave today; on all 6 surfaces.

When other office employees see a mess they get all irritated and say something like, "Is this the way they are at home? Just leaving thier mess for somebody else to clean up after!"

Why, yes. Yes, it is.

As I was wiping it up the thought struck me that if I were at home I would not be doing this. (Yeah, that's right. Would NOT be cleaning it up) We have a housekeeper that comes, so on the rare occasion that something should explode or overflow in the microwave, I leave it. I'm a brat like that but she gets paid so everybody's happy (as far as I'm concerned).

Irma, I thank you for cleaning up all my microwave mishaps and making my house all sparkly and clean. I had to do it myself today. I did not enjoy. You're a champ. You deserve a raise (see: Mom).

Hopefully, Obama (and his team of highly paid professionals) can turn this economy so I can get a (BIG FAT) raise, a bonus, an office Christmas Party and an Irma at work.

Santa,

I've been pretty good this year. There's the list. Do your thing.

P.S. Please refrain from keeping "big fat" on my body.

P.P.S. Or if you just wanna get me a winning Lottery ticket, that would do too.

Vacation Rocks! But then there is packing. Ugh.

My flight for Florida leaves at 3:30 in the A. M. (AM!!!)

I haven't packed a thing, I'm supposed to be doing this now.

I'm a procrastinator. Watcha gon' do.

I know what my mom is gonna do. She's gonna nag me into packing and I will grumble. And I will gripe. I will yell, "I hate packing!!" about 18 gadgillion and 9 times (this is an accurate number) whilst I stomp through the house (because this makes packing easier.) (I'm a good coper). And I will grudgingly begin throwing random stuff in my suitcase about 2-3 hours before we are suppose to leave (so that I can get 1-2 hours of my 9 hours of required beauty sleep) and hope for the best.

This is a vacation ritual. (it sounds better this way ha?)

Packing has to be--no. Packing IS. BY FAR. the WORST. part about vacation (next to leaving vacationland and having to unpack and go to work. Talk about a kill-joy.) and it's pretty hard for the spirit to drop when you know vacation is just around the bend.

• 6 consecutive days of non-work. (YEA BABY!!)
• Friends and coworking hard-core hating because you get 6 days of non-work. (Bring on the hate! Give. It. To. Me! I'm loving it!)
• Busiest travel day of the year. Long lines. 5 hours of sitting with minimal elbow space. (Got the iPod on standby, I'm ready for ya! Vacation. Vacation! VACATION! Woot! Woot!)
• Packing.

**shutter**

Ugh.

I need inspiration. Vacation just isn't standing up to the dreaded packing.

This calls for Michael. P.Y.T, Thriller, Billie Jean...Oooo Weeee!

I'm off to stomp now. Let the stomping commence....

Ugh.

Cutting down my lunch hour....

WTF! Trains should be banned from the tracks during the 12 o'clock hour! Hello conductors! Some of us only have an hour for lunch! 90 gazillion carts at like 5 mph UNCALLED FOR!! BANNED!! Baaaanned!!

Last cart. /end rant.

=)

S.

Sent from my iPhone

Crush Officially OVA!

AaaaaaaaaaaaaaND killed it! Another picture. I spoke too soon. The crush is gone. Needless to say..I'm so not attracted to this boy. Remember the ignorance is bliss? Yeah. I want it back. Sure it sounds mean but I've already sent him one picture of me (smiling because in the profile pic I'm making fish lips-dorkiness. An endearing quality, no? Then he asks for ANOTHER right now. So I say, you first.

Got it. Truth hurts. I faced the music. Me no likey.

Uhgh. I should've known better when the boy had half a brain. And wit. Hot boys. They don't have this.

Forever single. They're either hott (WTF is hoyt? My phone keeps trying to put this instead of hott. Side note: look that word up) or they have a great personality (and of course this greatness is measured by how well they mesh with me because we all know that I am the center of the universe, right? Right? RIGHT?). So whatev. I got an e-mail buddy (until he gives up).

I'm gonna go drink my single forever ass under the table now.

Well, kinda/maybe anyway.

S.

Sent from my iPhone

Friday- The Official Non-Working Work Day (or should be)

It's FRIDAY! Best work day of the week! (hur-ray for Fri-day!) so now that we've got that that little gem of a celebration out of the way, let's list all of the ways that today sucks balls. Umm. Yeah, right. How could it suck it's FRIDAY!! That's it. That's all I got. I'm making it to 5 o'clock on the fact that today is Friday. And hopefully it's not another Detour Day.

Stuck in traffic. I'm a multi-tasker, what can I say?

Dude, it seriously took me like twice as long to get home yesterday. Circles. AND in the morning taking Kaylee to school. I missed the exit. CIRCLES. Grrrrr.I'm not sure my voice can handle another day of detours or my speakers. I can only sing (offkey-cuz that's how I roll) at the top of my lungs (because, clearly, this is the ONLY way to drive) for so long. Not that it isn't liberating and totally worth it but, ya know, I like to complain. Clearly.I guess e-mailing Nick isn't so bad either...am i really developing a crush on a boy that I met through an app on my iPhone (WTF?)that I've been e-mailing almost nonstop for the past 3 days. Oh what fun I've had talking nonesense with this stranger. A sarcastic smartass. Just. Like. Me. Who'd a thought...It's nice to e-mail somebody whose on my level of nonsense-ity. (not a word--but it should be, yes?). Miguel and Jesse can only keep it going for so long. I guess they work or something. Clearly their priorities are out of wack. I mean, really. Work. WORK. WTF?

S.

Sent from my iPhone

Lunchtime

Lunchtime again. Gripe. What's a girl to do...

:-(

Stupid beetle.

S.

Sent from my iPhone